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WTF!!

Ok I get it…children are made up from characteristics of both parents, with some genes being more dominant than others. But how do you deal when your child has so many of the main characteristics of your ex that made you walk away from their father in the first place? Well I am learning as I go. With my oldest child, a girl now 23, she was all me with a sprinkle of dad. I was always two steps ahead of her and that attitude was nothing for an old pro like me to handle. But my oldest boy, a 17 year old, is so fucking nonchalant that it’s down right irritating. He is so inconsiderate with time when he has no personal interest in it. Everything I tried to instill in him just went through him like water through a strainer. And he always has some elaborate excuse. But he can’t help it, he gets it from his dad. I have to end arguments and go to my room because it feels like deja vu. And with my ex it was simple, I knew I had to walk away because things wouldn’t change. But this is my child and I can’t give up on him because I want him to succeed.

Bills, Bills, Bills!!!!!!

So there’s this social group that I’m in on Facebook. Mostly locals and singles and what not.  And there is this particular meme(pic below) that floats around pretty often and the comments always go over 300+.  Then eventually,  it spawns spin off posts about gold digging women or cheap ass men.  Now before I share my thoughts on this I will give you a quick summary of my background.  I am a single mom, never been married and only lived with a man once.  I do not receive any assistance, such as food or cash benefits or child support.  Now being a single parent, for me the next time I try cohabitation with a man it will be a relationship that is on the way to the next level, a committed domestic partnership. Hey call it a play on words but I think it’s more of a mindset.  I am not moving in with just a “boyfriend”.

With all that being said, my guy, my man, my boyfriend, my life partner, my fiance’, my husband,  the provider will pay $1550 and I will take care of the rest.  I cannot fathom going in half.  Especially when I cover all that by myself now.  So basically we roommates.  And the kicker is that I may spend more in groceries, toiletries and decor and what not but it’s just the principle of it.  I don’t need you to go half…take the lead and provide.

How do you feel about this?

 

Intro

Good day all! This is my first post here so I guess an introduction is in order. Well I’m a southern girl that doesn’t do the outside too much..allergies. I’m poly. I love tacos and Tequila. I hate stupid questions. I love sex…with men and women. I listen to more than just “black” music. I hate double standards. I love sci-fi!  And when I tell you that I’m not your average female…believe it!! I’m far from the norm and I am cool with that.  Back in school I tried so hard and wanted so bad to be like other girls.  But it wasn’t natural and it’s hard for me to be fake.  I was the awkward black girl before it became popular.  At one point I actually thought something was wrong with me.  Like why couldn’t I just feel like everyone else?  My family loved to point out how different I was.  It took a lot of heartache and disappointments for me to finally accept myself and love me the way I was.  When I was strong enough to buck the family sure they tried to shame me into submission. But I resisted and packed up my minivan and 3 kids and left Texas and moved to Georgia.  That was 8 years ago. Next month I will be 41, yaaayyyy!!!  Also, next month will be the 2 yr anniversary of my 1st open relationship, lbvs, I’ll talk more about that later.

Well that’s a little about me. I look forward to sharing thoughts on this platform.  I have a lot to say.

Wellness Recharge

Wellness Recharge

A new year brings new opportunities for change. In a fast paced world with political struggles, an economy still in need of much repair, violence, social media wars, weather disasters, and recently another flu outbreak, taking care of yourself and overall wellness is becoming increasingly important. One of my goals this year is to take an active stance in increasing and maintaining my overall wellness. That means more attention and intentionality in the way of my finances, career, physical and mental health, , spirituality, and in my personal life.

I recently read in article by Gina Roberts-Grey that included some great advice and tips on recharging the mind, body, spirit and maintaining wellness. Below are some of the tips from the article:

One of the first steps in recharging yourself, if getting a clear and honest understanding of where you are now. This means taking some time to assess your overall wellness. One way to do this is to create a personal roadmap by doing the following:

  • Take four sheets of paper and label them with the following: “Relationship”, “Health and Wellness”, “Business and Finances”, and “Spirituality and Faith”. Make two lists for each of these categories. One list should contain things about that area that you do not love or things that need to change. From that list circle the first two things that you want to being making improvements on. It can be the two things that are most important to you. Then on the other list write down the steps that you need to take to help you achieve those goals.
  • Find an accountability partner that you can trust to keep you on track. Share your roadmap with them and establish a system of accountability. Be sure that they know that no matter what, they are to help hold you accountable!
  • Set short-term goals and checkpoints of the course of a quarter. Be very specific and realistic about these and be sure to inform your accountability partner.
  • Remember that each time you accomplish one of your short-term goals or successfully pass through a checkpoint. CELEBRATE! It is ok to boast about your success. This will motivate you to continue.

Personally, I have decided to use the next week to create my road map and find an accountability partner. Then I will begin on my journey to wellness!

Source: Essence Magazine, January 2013.

“Situationships”

I recently read an article in a magazine about the expectations and desires of young Black/African American women on romantic relationships and getting married. Within the article was statistical information from a variety of sources and researchers alluding to the overall desire of more than 50% of the women surveyed for getting married despite the issues they seem to believe are present among the “pool” of available Black men. Some of the issues included: 1. Gender differences in communication styles, 2. The seemingly inability to be monogamous, 3. Social values on gender equality, 4. Social & family pressures towards women to marry, 5. Black men on the DL, and finally….the one that I found most interesting…6. The influence of social media, and its effects on communication between men and women, and how this further hurts the pre-existant challenges associated with the communication styles between genders.

Within the article, was further explanation of how social media and text language, as well as dating website profile misperceptions, twitter and facebook posts, relationship and status updates, and a host of other challenges to overcome. To me, the most interesting challenge discussed were the differences between how men and women communicate and how this leads to communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, and misconceptions about everything from the actual relationship status, to clearly defining what each person in the relationship wants and needs. I believe that what was stated regarding men believing that they can have meaningful conversations and truly “get to know and be known” by women of interests through text messaging, IM, BBS, and other forms of instant messaging as the sole or majority of the communication. Women on the other hand, prefer to communicate less via messaging and more face-to-face and if they have to, over the phone and via video chats for long distances. It would seem to me (although I may be totally biased) that the best way to truly ensure that one is understood and understands the other, is to openly communicate and ask questions regardless of the mode…I do believe that having the opportunity to observe and experience someone in person and in certain surroundings and environments does have a greater influence on one’s perception…simply put, it is more difficult to truly understand and get to know someone if you do not spend any time with them, but if you clarify statements when asked, ask questions when clarification is needed, and are honest with others about yourself, it is not completely impossible.

Call it the romantic in me, but I do think you can date “long distance” and online, or whatever…and still have an actual “relationship”….but it is going to take a vast amount of mutual understanding, expectations, desires. Both people will have to be on the same page, and when doubts and misunderstandings arise, bring them up and settle them in a timely manner.

In the latter part of the article several scenarios and personal stories of dating and relationship disasters were cited by various women who also believe that misunderstandings behind social media and messaging either ruined or significantly hurt their relationships…yet in the end, 71% of the single Black Women surveyed stated that they do still want to get married, except unlike 20 years ago, when the average age women wanted to get married was 25…it is now 30 with 35 being the second average age…so it seems that Black women have not given up, they are just willing to wait longer to find the right person and the right relationship in order to avoid “situationships”.

Relationships, Big Love Style!

Some may already be aware of this, but one of my favorite shows right now is Big Love. If you are not familiar with the show, it is an HBO series about a mormon polygamist family in Utah. The husband is a successful business owner and he has 3 wives and 9 children. The show is literally “awesome”!

But to get to my point, a friend of mine asked me a very good question the other day, “would I ever big love it up?’. LOL, meaning would I be a polygamist. At first the answer seemed very simple, “No”. I was thinking about it from a religious standpoint, and it does not align with my beliefs, but he (my friend) opened my mind to the fact that it does not always have to be linked to religion. So as we talked about it more I realized that maybe it was not such a bad thing. Our continued conversation led to other thoughts and I wondered how natural is monogamy, really? I wondered if we as a society have been tricked or hoodwinked, no maybe conditioned to believe that this husband and wife monogamous thing is “morally right” and that it is what all people should work to obtain.

I started thinking about what I have observed and how I was raised. For as long as I can remember the images of family and marriage have always been present in some way in my life. My parents married young, and they have been married for almost 31 years now. Also, looking at toys, cartoons and all of the images children see that notion of “heterosexual monogamy” are thrown in our faces at a young age and continue through adult media and societal images. I am beginning to believe that is the reason why so many people are confused  about relationships and their own feelings. This is the reason why people believe that if they’re not monogamous they have issues and some go so far as to seek counseling.

I am well aware of the religious/biblical context surrounding getting married and “being fruitful and multiplying” but….I am also aware of those mentioned in the bible who had several wives. Polygamy is present in the Holy Bible  which is the foundation of so many of our religious principles…so why then is it illegal, frowned upon and thought to be horrible? I will be the first to openly admit that I do not live my life based upon the bible….. but if people bring that and religion up into many arguments about things that concern society, morals, decisions etc… then how can you discredit the presence of polygamy? It is implicitly applied in the most natural way… I digress from that part though.

Moving back to the main point, I don’t think it is horrible. My firm belief is that relationships whether the people are married or not, hetero or homosexual should be defined, described and lived by the people who are in them. Our government should not be able to dictate who can and cannot married nor how many marriages one can have at a time. If you are a polygamist so be it; if you are in an open marriage so be it. We spend sooo much time worried about what goes on in the lives of others, judging and scrutinizing people for not living their lives the way we think they should or they way we were taught to believe they should but what that really boils down to is insecurity within ourselves.

That was the lesson I took away from all of this thinking and conversation and I learned it from my friend. He said he believes that our supposedly “innate” beliefs that monogamy in relationships and even in marriages is an excuse for us masking our own insecurities and selfishness for believing that we must be the only “one” for another person. I concur! In my short but adventurous and experienced life I have learned some important things about relationships:

1. A relationship should only be between the people who are in it! It is no one else’s business what you all do within your relationship. It is left up to you to define it, to determine how it will go. You should not ever let anyone else make you feel bad for the terms of the relationship you are in.

2. Based on number 1, you should also COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! with the other person(s) involved in the actual relationship. If I have an issue or a problem with my partner, I need to talk to my partner about it. Not my mom, dad, brother, friend, Benny from around the block or anyone else. No one else knows the other person(s) they way you do, that’s why you are with them, so why not talk things out and be honest and open with them?

3. Based on number 2, be OPEN & HONEST! Every day will not be a sunny, happy day. People will make mistakes and feelings will get hurt. But if you hold things inside for too long resentment and anger build up and that leads to confrontation. You should be able to talk and work through issues, but know that the other person(s) is most likely not psychic so you have to TELL them what you want and don’t want, do and don’t like.

4. Be true to yourself and never lose sight of who you are! This is the constant mistake that I have made in past relationships. There is no reason why you can’t be one piece of a pair but not still be an individual. Everyone always talks about compromise this and negotiate on that. BULLSHIT! I believe in reciprocity but it should not come at the expense of losing who you are as an individual. You should not and do not have to change everything about you or always be the only person compromising. In the past, my mistakes in this area have truly come from me not being comfortable with or knowing and loving myself more which leads to my last point…

5. It is about YOU! Everyone will face some sort of insecurities at some time, but it takes a person who is emotionally ready and mature enough to be able to work through them. This is where I failed…Epically! LOL. I was not ready to commit to anyone else, because I had not true commitment to myself. I based how I was in a relationship on what the other person needed and expected from me, as well as what they wanted me to be. I was very insecure and I didn’t really love myself. The age old saying comes into play here, “If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?” Very true. Loving yourself is knowing yourself; being able to define yourself on your own terms; being comfortable with who you are and if you want to make changes, changing because you want to; you have to be committed to yourself! Never let anyone tell you that’s selfish; that is sanity! It is alright to believe that it is about you! Regardless of how many relationships end, how many friends you gain or lose, you will always have to live with you. Why not take care of and look out for yourself, your own wants, needs and desires??

Wow, I know I have put out quite a bit here, but I stayed up really late thinking about this and I had to express it here. The bottom line is, love how you want to, whether it’s Big Love style or not, it is about you and who you are in a relationship with. Keep the outside out! I knowI will…this time around 🙂

Leave the shit alone

If it doesn’t belong to you, never belonged to you, you didn’t pay for or or acquire it in any way……..then don’t take it. It is not yours!! I can think of worse things in life to be besides a thief, but it is still highly frowned upon, and not cool….so do yourself and the other person a favor and leave the shit alone if it isn’t yours!!

If that’s what floats your boat

An associate of mine told me some bullshit about how I would NEVER find a man because I am not the type of woman who needs to be helped. He stated that Black men want women that they feel they can help in some way. Whether it is financially, around the house with handy work, counseling and giving advice, sexual needs or even with their kids…it makes them feel like more of a man to know that they are needed. He said that successful Black women or women on a mission to become successful and independent cannot be helped and therefore we should get prepared to either go through life constantly breaking up and ending relationships, or…alone…..And the last thing he said was…..that’s why so many Black men date and marry White women….because White women know how to let a man be the man. Whether they can buy it, fix it, satisfy it, open it, or do it themselves, they offer their man enough opportunity to do things for them…to help them! I am still in shock!

Someone call CPS Now

On the local news today I saw a story about a 3 and a half-year old girl who was raped in the restroom of a nearby Wal-Mart. The reporter stated that the little girl was in the toy section of the store playing with her 7 year-old brother. She apparently told her brother she had to use the restroom and a man (stranger) offered to take her. They went into the restroom and the perpetrator masturbated and then raped the little girl. He was not caught at the store, but was arrested trying to lure another child into the restroom at another Wal-Mart. This horrible incident has several red flags….. First of all, where in the hell were the children’s parents or guardians??? Why would two little kids be allowed to play unsupervised? Why would  a seven year-old not know better than to not allow his sister to go off with a total stranger? Why can Wal-Mart catch someone stealing toothpaste on aisle two, but not see who entered the women’s restroom with a small child???? How is it that no one else entered the restroom or saw what happened and reported it? On all levels, this situation was absolutely ridiculous and should have never happened. I don’t have children but there is NO WAY I would allow them to be unsupervised in public if I did. The girl was on her way out of the store with her mother after she was found by a wal-mart employee and then told her mom what happened. Damn Shame!

Security Alert

Has anyone ever wondered why we have so much security? Why do we have surveillance cameras, high profile security checkpoints at airports, secret service agents, the CIA, FBI, and private investigators. Just wondering if this is another form of institutional fear?